This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray

Author:Matthew Fray
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2022-01-17T00:00:00+00:00

6

Move the Dots Closer: Key Relationship Skills to Practice and Master

I WOULD JUST STAND IN THE KITCHEN, SHAKING. CONFUSED. Powerless. Fighting, and failing, to be understood. Defeated.

Rage. And nowhere to send it.

How can the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen make me feel most ugly? How can the person I give the most to be the person that makes me feel most worthless?

Never in my life before, nor since, have I felt so weak or angry. I could never get over the idea that the person I loved most, for whom I felt as if I’d sacrificed most, and with whom I shared the most could be the person treating me the most unfairly.

And this is one of the most important realizations I’ve ever had: So long as I process everything my wife is doing and saying through the filter of MY thoughts and MY feelings, then I’m always going to have reason to defend myself. If I measure everything that happens through my individual lens of self—as if I’m the protagonist in the story—then anytime I am uncomfortable or feel mistreated or misunderstood, I will give myself license to try to set the record straight. To fight for MY wants and needs. To try to convince the other person that their thoughts and feelings are wrong.

And—boom—the Invalidation Triple Threat rears its ugly head once again. I never really had a chance to restore or maintain trust with my wife because I NEVER set aside my own thoughts and feelings to try to experience the moment as she was. I never considered HER as the protagonist in the story. I never wondered What if I’m the villain here? What if it’s me who is actually standing in her way? What if I am the one who is being unfair and inflicting pain?

The truth is, I never even considered that idea. And in the moment that I was in, I was so pissed that I’m not sure I gave a shit about her feelings. I was too busy feeling like the victim of a hyperemotional, hypercritical tyrant. I was too busy trying to protect myself and defend myself against more unfair attacks and criticisms.

Talking about safety and trust earlier, I mentioned how I always wanted to be the person sleeping closest to the bedroom door. How I wanted to be with her in dimly lit parking lots. Et cetera. I believed I was someone who prioritized her safety.

And yet we would find ourselves in another fight in the kitchen, where she feels hurt—for the millionth time—and all she’s trying to do is get me to understand and acknowledge her hurt. And instead, nearly 100 percent of the time, I would choose MY thoughts and MY feelings over hers. I wasn’t thinking about her safety at all. Only mine.

I bet she felt rage just like I did. With nowhere to send it just like I did. Until the day came when she decided she didn’t want to feel that anymore and made

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